It's That Time of Year Again

This post is harder for me to publish than some of the others I've written. I know that I have talked about a lot of my personal struggles here; fears, lack of faith, my grandparents, but for some reason, this one feels different. Maybe it's because being single can be a vulnerable state around this time of year in a way that’s it’s not at other times. It could be because everything else I've at least come to some sort of terms with it in some way. In a lot of ways I haven't fully come to terms with this (at least not during this time of the year). Maybe it's a combination of both. But, here you go. No one reads blogs these days anyways, right? :)

I have to confess, I hate Valentine’s Day. Now I have to be clear here: I have nothing against love. I love lots of folks; God, my family, my friends. And for some odd reason, they love me back. But that's not the kind of love that I speak of. That's not what Valentine's Day is known for.

You can tell that Valentine's Day is coming because as soon as you walk into the grocery store, Target or Wal-Mart, you are greeted by an explosion of pink that is way too bright to be tolerated. I don't mind pink, but this is ridiculous. This year, I actually thought more about Valentine's Day before the day than on the day itself, mostly because I was at work. I really didn't see anyone but my co-workers all day because I work in the back making food and I like it that way :)

But before Valentine's Day, I was thinking about this holiday, and why I hate it so much. I think part of it is that is has become so commercial. And that makes me sad. I think the other part, though, stems from the being single thing, not gonna lie. What better day to think about your singleness than on the holiday that celebrates romance? That was sarcasm. Thinking about Valentine's Day also makes me think about why I am single. I am overweight, socially awkward, I like to not stand out, and I am very focused on what I am doing. These things together make me not only more likely to not notice when someone is interested in me; they also make it difficult for me to tell someone that I may be interested.

While I am working on all of those issues in my own life, it doesn’t change the fact that they are there, that they have affected my own confidence level, and that on the whole, I don’t really see myself as a catch. That’s kind of a joke. Not a funny one, but that’s the best you’re all going to get here. Jokes at my own expense, the things I do for you people : ) Though in all seriousness, 23 years of invisibility makes a girl wonder.

I had several crushes in college and multiple crinkles (baby crushes), but one in particular lasted way too long, two years too long, in fact. The saddest part? I knew nothing was going to ever happen. About half a year in, I knew. But even though my crush on this guy was off and on, it was still kind of there. My dear friend KT, after I was seeking advice for a way to end a crush (her creeper crush options were turned down), asked if maybe I was sabotaging myself by liking someone who I knew didn't and wouldn't likely ever like me back. I thought about that, and I still wonder if maybe she was right.

Maybe it's not that I'm attracted to focused and smart guys, but that I know that if I like them, they're never going to ask me out, so I'm safe. This assumes that I have a commitment phobia. But I wouldn't know. I don't think I do, but I've never really had the chance to find out. It is possible, but if I was trying to keep my heart safe because I was afraid it would get broken, why would I waste it on something that was at the very least going to fracture it? I knew it wasn’t going anywhere other than friendship. It still hurt to learn that for a fact when faced with undeniable evidence.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that while KT might be right, on the whole I'm not sure. I know that I have issues that need to be sorted out. Maybe it just means I haven’t found my lobster yet (see, I don’t just watch LOTR all the time. I’ve seen Friends). Maybe I need to work out my issues; maybe I need to become less awkward, perhaps I should learn how to flirt. Maybe I’m still an ugly duck. But maybe I just need to accept that I’ve made errors in the romance department, move on, and try to not do the same things again and again. And maybe I should accept that I am now, and probably always will be, a terrible flirt, more comfy in sneakers and flats than in heels, and kind of clueless.

Someday, I want to get married to the love of my life, someone who I can honestly say is the second best thing that God has ever given me, someone who can say that about me. Does it matter that I’ve never had a boyfriend? Or been asked out on a date? Probably just to me. But when your friends are getting married, and your siblings have been in more relationships than you, you start to wonder, “What the heck is wrong with me? Am I that weird? Do I have a personality defect?” Even if these feelings are always sort of present in the back of my mind my mind, Valentine’s Day, with all the hoopla and emphasis on romance, makes me remember.

Maybe this is why I really hate Valentine’s Day; because I flash back to high school when there were so many people who got flowers that they had to read the names out loud during passing periods. I still remember that feeling of being invisible because I was smart and shy (and awkward. Can I stress that one enough?). Should I be content? Yes. Should I be patient? Well, yes. Should I remember that I don’t need a man to make me an actual person? Yes. I know all that. I know that I am extremely blessed. I have a God who loves me, a family who loves me and friends that love me. I am for the most part very happy with my life. I’ve been through some hard times (well, they were hard to me, and as my dear friend Hanna said once, “just because you broke your finger and I broke my foot, that doesn’t make your finger hurt any less ”) and I think I can out with my faith stronger, more self confident and farther along the path of who I am supposed to become. Valentine’s Day shouldn’t bug me.

But it does.

Next week (or maybe tomorrow. You never know): The Perks of Being Single. Because they do exist.