Who I Am

You know how I've always been a bit timid and shy with a tendency towards self-dislike on occasion? (Yes). I have always been afraid of insulting people, of messing up in general. I don't know why I'm so paranoid about goofing up, I think it's a part of being a perfectionist. I'm not very good at being bad at things. Not that anyone is, but I hate it. I hate working hard at things and still being bad at them.

This is a thing that I have always struggled with. Add this to my introverted personality and there is a slight issue. Side note-ironicaly, I always seem to be working in jobs that are public-relations or teaching. Luckily, I am able to turn-on my work face and be friendly anyway.

As I've been sailing, my confidence has grown, but having never sailed before, I'm not the best sailor. I have been working on making sure my confidence stays up, because, as long as I remember that I know what I'm doing, I actually do know what I'm doing. Does that make sense? If I remember that I can, I can. If I forget, my mind dances away like a leaf on the wind, and I'm stuck on the upper yard trying to remember how to do a clew lashing. Which I know how to do.

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but there are things that make me doubt my worth quite a bit. However, since I know that this happens, I try to remember that I am, in fact, a beloved child of God and quite awesome (if I do say so myself). I've been working on trying to be more confident in all that I do. I remind myself that I am a beloved child of God, that He has sent me out to where I am now and He isn't going to let me down. This really helps me.

The title of this is post is a reminder of the Jessica Andrews song "Who I Am." The song is all about knowing who you are and being okay with that. "If I never live to be a hundred, never see the 7 Wonders, I'll be alright...because nothing changes who I am." And the singer's ok with that. She lists things that are physical, that are good and things that are a possibly a little less good, like being a dork, clueless and clumsy. But these things that are less than good are things that she has embraced about herself. And I think that's something that I have learned from everything that's happened so far to me. To embrace myself, despite all my quirks, and in some ways because of them. To be better about remembering daily that I am a beloved daughter of God.

I was watching Tall Tale before coming on the boat and really enjoyed the way each legend introduces himself. So I, in an effort to remember the things that make me myself wrote out my own superhero list. So, if I was a legend or something, this is what I would recite, what I thought of, and what I strive to remember.

"I am a historian, an archaeologist, a tallship sailor, a bookworm, and animation nerd, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am a beautiful, confident woman who is learning to roll with the punches. I am a beloved daughter of the King of Kings. I am a witness to His power, grace and unfailing love. I'm Bailey freaking Cavender."

And that is who I am.